ow! What a weekthis has been. Orhas it? Did theworld end? Didanyone win the election? Do I stillneed to pay taxes? Will my Amazon orders still arrive next week aspromised?
I’m writing this week’s columnabout 24 hours before ElectionDay because 1) I’m under deadline and it needs to be filed onTuesday 2) This week is going tobe incredibly busy and 3) I’m going to take a guess that we’re notreally going to know the results bythe time this goes to print.
So, instead I’m going to play outsome scenarios of where we mightbe by the time you read this.
Scenario 1: Trump Wins
Congratulations President Trump
on a second term. The coronavirus
is going great, as you say. Things
are all going in the right direc-
tion. Unemployment, health care
and the economy are all the best
they’ve ever been, as you say. One
thing concerning credit unions:
Could you maybe in this second
term give NCUA Chairman Rod-
ney Hood a little help? You two
are buddies. Credit unions would
like some regulatory clarity and
guidance to help expand mem-
bership, and increase our foot-
print to help the underserved and
underbanked. Also, could you
ask your Department of Justice to
give us some ADA guidance? This
would be a great win for everyone.
Scenario 2: Biden Wins
Biden. What a campaign you and
Kamala Harris ran. Listen, we’re
hitting around 100,000 new coro-
navirus cases each day, could you
do something about that? Also,
the economy is as they say “in the
toilet,” so if you could do some-
thing about that too, that would
be great. One other thing, in your
first term, could you do one sim-
ple thing that your running mate
has done? Open an account with
a credit union. You doing that
one simple thing will send a very
cool and clear message about the
excellent work credit unions are
doing for this country. Keep bank-
ing with the big banks that you’ve
always dealt with, but just do this
one little thing for us. Thanks!
Scenario 3: Ballot CountingWins
Hello ballot-counters (probablyin Florida and/or Pennsylvaniaand/or Wisconsin), I hope youare hanging (chad) in there. Crazytimes, right? Do us all a favor andjust try to do your jobs as you weretrained to do. Don’t let any representatives from any political partyinfluence the math you’re doing.Just count for a while, take a breakand then count some more beforeyou go home for the evening anddo it all over again tomorrow. Also,CNN, FOX News and others aregoing to have cameras all in yourface during this, so try to remember that it’s OK to say, “Excuse me,but you are distracting me fromdoing my job, I need you to moveaway.” We applaud your work andwe don’t envy you right now. If youdon’t mind the cameras, then maybe you will become the “HangingChad” person from the 2000 election. Remember that guy? Anyway,good luck and thanks!
Scenario 4: Lawyers WinHello lawyers. Remember whenyou were five years old and lovedplaying outside in the sun and theworld was so big and fun? Well,now you are being paid a bunchof money to fight for one side ofthe political spectrum, and I’d likeyou to try and remember that theworld is and can still be big andfun and filled with all kinds ofsunshine to play in. Am I sayingthat you’ve lost your soul? No. I’msaying that you are playing a gamethat is incredibly serious and ifyou’re involved, well, that meansthings aren’t going so great rightnow. I’d ask you on behalf of everyone to use the law for what’sright and not just for what your client wants. I know, it’s a tough spotyou’re in and the money is prettysweet. Whatever legal argumentsyou come up with will eventuallybecome part of a Netflix originalseries in the coming years. So, Ilook forward to watching yourcharacter be played by Rene Rus-so or Ben Affleck. Thanks!
Scenario 5: Supreme CourtDecides
Oh my god, really? The SupremeCourt? OK, fine. Well, hello justices.
Get those robes dry cleaned because you are in for some once-in-an-every-20-years-of-a-lifetimeevent. Last time this happened,you might remember, your groupdecided to hand the election to theperson who didn’t win the popular vote in the U.S. You rememberBush v. Gore and the 61,000 ballotsin question? Anywhos, what youare dealing with is probably alongthe same lines of contested ballots, arguments about illegitimatevotes, calls alleging election fraud,blah, blah, blah legal stuff.
I know your work is hard andbrainy and incredibly politicized.May the thick law books you havebehind your desk help guide yourway to deciding who won the election. Thanks!
So, here we all are together inthis reality, whatever it is. Somepeople are really happy whileothers are making claims that theelection was rigged or manipulated. It’s a strange thing to write thisto you, our future selves, becausehonestly we are in a frighteningtime with the pandemic, unemployment, the economy and evenour mental states.
Wherever or however this election lands, I just hope whomeveris in charge will take charge anddo the right thing for this country.We are sick, we are dying and weare hurting. We are at a point intime where piling on the Presidential Election chaos isn’t helpinganyone. I voted, my team votedand I hope all of you voted. Afterthat, it’s up to those people I listedabove to do their jobs and do thebest they can for this country.
I hope all of you and your lovedones are healthy and well as millions of people are struggling tosurvive and simply not die. Let’sall do our best, no matter the election results, to help our neighborsand communities come backto something beyond a zombieapocalypse state of being.
OK, I think that about coversit. n
Congratulations (Insert Winner Name) or Not
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